?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

The Big Dude

I have my sole claim to plane-Naziism being this: "If you cannot manage your carry on lugage (i.e. get it into and out of the over-head compartment) without help--and you are not quick to ask for help--you have no business carrying that thing on the plane. I used to be pretty impatient trying to get in and out. Now I usually check lugage and just don't care. It turns out: it's nicer that way (even with the extra 20 min to get to the cab).

But there are many plane-Nazisms out there. For example:
  • Reclining the seat: some people take this as the mark of a supreme asshole.
  • Having your cell phone going after you've been told to shut it off: If it were really dangerous the terrorists would simply be using text-messaging to bring us down. If it were really dangerous they'd make us check them. But some people (especially airline personnel) get totally het up over this.
  •  Fat people next to you: I am broad shouldered. I am also no underware model. When I sit on the outside my (non-fat) shoulders sometimes get hit by the cart. I accept this. I am not usually worried about large people flying. I've been stuck in a tight squeeze and, you know, the airline is sometimes as much to blame for this as any normal human being. You want to enjoy a flight? Spring for first class. You want a really nice flight? Spring for a time machine.
However ... every once in a while ...

Flying home, in the airport (where they had a bar with iPads that you ordered through and had power-hook-ups at ever station) I saw this guy. He was not the largest guy I'd ever seen--but he was HUGE and his pants ... were not up to the job if you know what I mean and I think you do.

It wasn't Plumber's Crack. It was the Plumber's Grand Canyon.

And I was like: "If I'm next to him, I'm fucked."

I was not fucked--but the girl behind me was, like, squeezed into a question-mark.

I'm free-market qualified but I suspect that having airlines make *slightly* bigger seats is a solution I'd like better than chargiing guys for two seats if they're more than size 40 waist. On the other hand, there was no rational scenario that was going to work for this dude other than two tickets.

There comes a point.